Recognizing Verbal Abuse
(I copied the writings off a website by Deborrah Cooper because I wanted to
understand this behavior. If you feel you're in this type of a relationship...you
need to find an out. Non-violence always leads to violence.There are several
links to helpful sites on my "stalking information" page and a link to Laura's
House on this page... Much Love, IFS)
It occurred to me a few days ago that many of the negative attitudes in
men exhibit towards, and the nasty words men say to women are in fact
verbal abuse.
Women have been socialized to brush these behaviors aside and treat
them casually by labeling these men as jerks, assholes, and idiots. We
roll our eyes in disgust, and most women do their best to ignore the
behaviors, but the anger and rage must be dealt with in some way.
Personally, I think this pent up rage and the buried hurts are the chief
reasons women are overweight… depressed eating to assuage our anger.
But no amount of food can fill the cracks in a woman’s soul. We may
laugh it off, but deep down inside we know that we have been
disrespected personally and as a group, as one man after another
attempts to demonstrate his superiority and promote his agenda of
entitlement.
I’ve observed men like this bristle when an intelligent, assertive women
stands up to them and calls them on their crap. Watch for defensive,
angry responses.
You’ll get hit with things like "you’re stupid!" or "That’s why you’re
single!" or "I don’t want to hear all that crap from you!", "you always
make me feel this way" like you are supposed to shut up because he said
so, or be depressed that you aren’t married to an asshole like him, or be
sad that you are an assertive powerful woman that he feels the need to
bring down to his level with name calling and insults.
Since I’ve seen so much of this behavior the past few months, I decided
to write and share this important information with readers. There are
many ways a man can abuse a woman, but I’ve narrowed the list down to
five key points to watch for. What follows is an explanation of the
primary ways a negative attitude towards women and a propensity
towards abuse of females is demonstrated by men:
*
He is disrespectful and condescending. Your questions are met with
a sarcastic response and eye rolling. Your thoughts and opinions are
ridiculed with laughter and often gender-based jokes or stabbing personal
attacks which he later claims were "just in fun." He constantly twists
around what you say so that you feel the need to re-explain and defend
your position. If you say "no" he feels entitled to ignore you and continue
to wheedle, whine, demand or guilt-trip you into giving him what he
wants. You’ll notice that he interrupts and talks over you frequently,
especially when others are around. Sometimes he doesn’t listen to you
at all and wants you to know he isn’t listening by turning up the volume
on the television set, or plugging in his IPod. When you have a problem
and ask for his assistance, your request is met with eye rolling,
contemptuous snorts, or harsh words of criticism. He attempts to define
your reality by telling you what you shouldn’t think or feel, in an effort to
establish himself as the final authority on all matters concerning you.
*
He refuses to take responsibility for his nasty behavior or failures,
irresponsibility, or the associated problems he has caused himself. In
other words, nothing is ever his fault. He makes promises that he doesn’
t keep and constantly disappoints you and others that are depending on
him. Somehow if you complain about his behavior, he turns things
around to guilt trip you, to position himself as the victim. He has a never-
ending list of excuses for abandoning you, disappointing you, or behaving
inappropriately. An oft-demonstrated behavior amongst abusive men is to
do something irresponsible (such as have unprotected sex because it
feels better), then rail on and complain to anyone that will listen that he
shouldn’t have to pay child support because he didn’t want a child and
"she should have kept her legs closed." The same attitudes apply to
women that are sexually assaulted, as these guys feel somehow she
should have fought harder, not worn what she wore to get men excited,
or got a better lock for her door. In essence he and other men with his
sick mentality blame women for their lust, sense of entitlement, and lack
of self control.
*
He attempts to intimidate you with his temper and anger. You
notice that he moves in closely when he’s angry in an attempt to
intimidate you by crowding your personal space. He pushes you, grabs
your arm or hair, or does something to pin you down and or block your
exit from the room, chair or bed. When you resist he demands that you
listen to him and cusses, yells or screams at you. He may punch or kick
nearby walls or furniture, or draw back and stop right before his fist
connects with some part of your body. Even if he doesn’t do those
things, he threatens to "slap the shit out of you" or says things like "you
don’t know who you are messing with, bitch!" He wants to make you
flinch, jump and feel frightened. That is the reaction he is looking for
because it makes him feel powerful and in control.
*
He has nasty attitudes about women. You may realize that you’ve
never heard him say one nice thing about the entire female gender. Every
story he tells about women presents females as idiots, whores, liars,
conniving manipulative bitches, stupid and generally inferior to males.
Women are always wrong in his world, no matter what they do. In his
mind the only appropriate place for women is at home cooking and raising
babies. He may use even attempt to use the word of God in a pseudo
theological manner to shore up his argument that men are superior and
you need to do as you’re told.
*
His belief system is clearly based on double standards. He can go
places, do things and say things freely that you, as a mere woman, are
not entitled to. He can speak up whenever he wants (even interrupting
and talking over you to do it). But to you he says there is a time and a
place for you to voice your complaints, and he is the sole party with the
right to determine that time and place. He wants you to take his
complaints and opinions seriously. However your opinions about him are
met with scoffing comments that declare you to be too sensitive, a
person that can’t take a joke, a complaining bitch, or a typical woman
that takes everything the wrong way.
These are all strategies that abusive men use, usually exhibited over a
period of time in a recognizable pattern. The bottom line goal for men of
this type is to belittle and insult you so much that you shut down.
Abusive men use these tactics regularly to derail your confidence and
prevent you from voicing an opinion about his nasty words, his
disrespectful behavior or his sexist thinking. He wants to be able to
treat you any way he likes, and for you to take it without complaint.
This guy’s ultimate goal is to discredit you in every way possible,
and invalidate you as a person with her own thoughts, beliefs and
desires worthy of being listened to. By presenting you and all
women as illegitimate scum, he sets things up so that he doesn’t
have to ever listen or be accountable to a woman. He has therefore
eliminated any obligation he might have to change.
All women must learn to avoid making excuses for men that behave in
these disrespectful, manipulative ways. Don’t make excuses for
disrespectful treatment, violence and cruel words.
If you are dating a man that calls you names, stands you up, discounts
your thoughts and opinions as stupid, or turns things around to
somehow make you responsible for his behavior, cut him loose promptly.
If the man you call your partner does or says anything that lets you know
he is lying, cheating or flirting with other women, cut him loose right
away. If he does or says anything that makes you feel small,
unimportant, or not entitled to independence and freedom, cut him loose
immediately.
Remember, there isn’t a woman alive that can change a man. He has to
want to change, and he has to make the change all on his own. You can’t
help him. Accept the fact that men like this cannot change until they
deal head on with their sense of superiority and entitlement. Avoid
becoming involved with or emotionally attached to such individuals.
Keep in mind, non violent abuse leads to violent abuse...
Be safe and respect yourself...
Article by Deborrah Cooper, Edited and contributions by I. Franks-Singer
understand this behavior. If you feel you're in this type of a relationship...you
need to find an out. Non-violence always leads to violence.There are several
links to helpful sites on my "stalking information" page and a link to Laura's
House on this page... Much Love, IFS)
It occurred to me a few days ago that many of the negative attitudes in
men exhibit towards, and the nasty words men say to women are in fact
verbal abuse.
Women have been socialized to brush these behaviors aside and treat
them casually by labeling these men as jerks, assholes, and idiots. We
roll our eyes in disgust, and most women do their best to ignore the
behaviors, but the anger and rage must be dealt with in some way.
Personally, I think this pent up rage and the buried hurts are the chief
reasons women are overweight… depressed eating to assuage our anger.
But no amount of food can fill the cracks in a woman’s soul. We may
laugh it off, but deep down inside we know that we have been
disrespected personally and as a group, as one man after another
attempts to demonstrate his superiority and promote his agenda of
entitlement.
I’ve observed men like this bristle when an intelligent, assertive women
stands up to them and calls them on their crap. Watch for defensive,
angry responses.
You’ll get hit with things like "you’re stupid!" or "That’s why you’re
single!" or "I don’t want to hear all that crap from you!", "you always
make me feel this way" like you are supposed to shut up because he said
so, or be depressed that you aren’t married to an asshole like him, or be
sad that you are an assertive powerful woman that he feels the need to
bring down to his level with name calling and insults.
Since I’ve seen so much of this behavior the past few months, I decided
to write and share this important information with readers. There are
many ways a man can abuse a woman, but I’ve narrowed the list down to
five key points to watch for. What follows is an explanation of the
primary ways a negative attitude towards women and a propensity
towards abuse of females is demonstrated by men:
*
He is disrespectful and condescending. Your questions are met with
a sarcastic response and eye rolling. Your thoughts and opinions are
ridiculed with laughter and often gender-based jokes or stabbing personal
attacks which he later claims were "just in fun." He constantly twists
around what you say so that you feel the need to re-explain and defend
your position. If you say "no" he feels entitled to ignore you and continue
to wheedle, whine, demand or guilt-trip you into giving him what he
wants. You’ll notice that he interrupts and talks over you frequently,
especially when others are around. Sometimes he doesn’t listen to you
at all and wants you to know he isn’t listening by turning up the volume
on the television set, or plugging in his IPod. When you have a problem
and ask for his assistance, your request is met with eye rolling,
contemptuous snorts, or harsh words of criticism. He attempts to define
your reality by telling you what you shouldn’t think or feel, in an effort to
establish himself as the final authority on all matters concerning you.
*
He refuses to take responsibility for his nasty behavior or failures,
irresponsibility, or the associated problems he has caused himself. In
other words, nothing is ever his fault. He makes promises that he doesn’
t keep and constantly disappoints you and others that are depending on
him. Somehow if you complain about his behavior, he turns things
around to guilt trip you, to position himself as the victim. He has a never-
ending list of excuses for abandoning you, disappointing you, or behaving
inappropriately. An oft-demonstrated behavior amongst abusive men is to
do something irresponsible (such as have unprotected sex because it
feels better), then rail on and complain to anyone that will listen that he
shouldn’t have to pay child support because he didn’t want a child and
"she should have kept her legs closed." The same attitudes apply to
women that are sexually assaulted, as these guys feel somehow she
should have fought harder, not worn what she wore to get men excited,
or got a better lock for her door. In essence he and other men with his
sick mentality blame women for their lust, sense of entitlement, and lack
of self control.
*
He attempts to intimidate you with his temper and anger. You
notice that he moves in closely when he’s angry in an attempt to
intimidate you by crowding your personal space. He pushes you, grabs
your arm or hair, or does something to pin you down and or block your
exit from the room, chair or bed. When you resist he demands that you
listen to him and cusses, yells or screams at you. He may punch or kick
nearby walls or furniture, or draw back and stop right before his fist
connects with some part of your body. Even if he doesn’t do those
things, he threatens to "slap the shit out of you" or says things like "you
don’t know who you are messing with, bitch!" He wants to make you
flinch, jump and feel frightened. That is the reaction he is looking for
because it makes him feel powerful and in control.
*
He has nasty attitudes about women. You may realize that you’ve
never heard him say one nice thing about the entire female gender. Every
story he tells about women presents females as idiots, whores, liars,
conniving manipulative bitches, stupid and generally inferior to males.
Women are always wrong in his world, no matter what they do. In his
mind the only appropriate place for women is at home cooking and raising
babies. He may use even attempt to use the word of God in a pseudo
theological manner to shore up his argument that men are superior and
you need to do as you’re told.
*
His belief system is clearly based on double standards. He can go
places, do things and say things freely that you, as a mere woman, are
not entitled to. He can speak up whenever he wants (even interrupting
and talking over you to do it). But to you he says there is a time and a
place for you to voice your complaints, and he is the sole party with the
right to determine that time and place. He wants you to take his
complaints and opinions seriously. However your opinions about him are
met with scoffing comments that declare you to be too sensitive, a
person that can’t take a joke, a complaining bitch, or a typical woman
that takes everything the wrong way.
These are all strategies that abusive men use, usually exhibited over a
period of time in a recognizable pattern. The bottom line goal for men of
this type is to belittle and insult you so much that you shut down.
Abusive men use these tactics regularly to derail your confidence and
prevent you from voicing an opinion about his nasty words, his
disrespectful behavior or his sexist thinking. He wants to be able to
treat you any way he likes, and for you to take it without complaint.
This guy’s ultimate goal is to discredit you in every way possible,
and invalidate you as a person with her own thoughts, beliefs and
desires worthy of being listened to. By presenting you and all
women as illegitimate scum, he sets things up so that he doesn’t
have to ever listen or be accountable to a woman. He has therefore
eliminated any obligation he might have to change.
All women must learn to avoid making excuses for men that behave in
these disrespectful, manipulative ways. Don’t make excuses for
disrespectful treatment, violence and cruel words.
If you are dating a man that calls you names, stands you up, discounts
your thoughts and opinions as stupid, or turns things around to
somehow make you responsible for his behavior, cut him loose promptly.
If the man you call your partner does or says anything that lets you know
he is lying, cheating or flirting with other women, cut him loose right
away. If he does or says anything that makes you feel small,
unimportant, or not entitled to independence and freedom, cut him loose
immediately.
Remember, there isn’t a woman alive that can change a man. He has to
want to change, and he has to make the change all on his own. You can’t
help him. Accept the fact that men like this cannot change until they
deal head on with their sense of superiority and entitlement. Avoid
becoming involved with or emotionally attached to such individuals.
Keep in mind, non violent abuse leads to violent abuse...
Be safe and respect yourself...
Article by Deborrah Cooper, Edited and contributions by I. Franks-Singer
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
